The Twelve Days of Barkmas

 

On the first day of Barkmas my true friend gave to me,
A puddle on-my wood floor!

On the second day of Barkmas my true friend gave to me,
Two bitten heels!

...and a puddle, on-my wood floor!

On the third day of Barkmas my true friend gave to me,
Three lost socks!
Two bitten heels, and a puddle, on-my wood floor!

On the fourth day of Barkmas my true friend gave to me,
Four squealing birds!
Three lost socks, two bitten heels, and a puddle, on-my wood floor!

On the fifth day of Barkmas my true friend gave to me,
Five – Itch - ing – Fleas !!!
Four squealing birds, three lost socks, two bitten heels, and a puddle, on-my wood floor!

On the sixth day of Barkmas my true friend gave to me,
Six ways to whimper!
Five – Itch - ing – Fleas !!!
Four squealing birds, three lost socks, two bitten heels, and a puddle, on-my wood floor!

On the seventh day of Barkmas my true friend gave to me,
Seven jumping kisses!
Six ways to whimper,
Five – Itch - ing – Fleas !!!
Four squealing birds, three lost socks, two bitten heels, and a puddle, on-my wood floor!

On the eighth day of Barkmas my true friend gave to me,
Eight spots-a-yellow-snow!
Seven jumping kisses, six ways to whimper,
Five – Itch - ing – Fleas !!!
Four squealing birds, three lost socks, two bitten heels, and a puddle, on-my wood floor!

On the ninth day of Barkmas my true friend gave to me,
Nine mangled rawhides!
Eight spots-a-yellow-snow, seven jumping kisses, six ways to whimper,
Five – Itch - ing – Fleas !!!
Four squealing birds, three lost socks, two bitten heels, and a puddle, on-my wood floor!

On the tenth day of Barkmas my true friend gave to me,
Ten toilet lickings!
Nine mangled rawhides, eight spots-a-yellow-snow, seven jumping kisses, six ways to whimper,
Five – Itch - ing – Fleas !!!
Four squealing birds, three lost socks, two bitten heels, and a puddle, on-my wood floor!

On the eleventh day of Barkmas my true friend gave to me,
Eleven window pawprints!
Ten toilet lickings, nine mangled rawhides, eight spots-a-yellow-snow, seven jumping kisses, six ways to whimper,
Five – Itch - ing – Fleas !!!
Four squealing birds, three lost socks, two bitten heels, and a puddle, on-my wood floor!

On the twelfth day of Barkmas my true friend gave to me,
Twelve steaming dumpings!
Eleven window pawprints, ten toilet lickings, nine mangled rawhides, eight spots-a-yellow-snow, seven jumping kisses, six ways to whimper,
Five – Itch - ing – Fleas !!!
Four squealing birds, three lost socks, two bitten heels, and a puddle, on-my wood floor!

GOP Turns to Flea Party Express for Votes

Let's face it, members of the Tea Party Express, also known as Dr. Seuss Republicans did not prevail. That's right, did not prevail. They did not accomplish anything but troubled times for many.

Basically, what we've witnessed through their efforts is a bunch of itchy, bitchy non sequiturs, one after another—the failed drama routines, rhymes that don't rap, and "no Obama" kinds of blank stares into the microphone but NOTHING to back it up (see photo to the right - pun intended).

Fa' crissakes, take off your pants and look down. Ain't nothin' there to be proud of unless we've missed something! There's really only one way to turn—and please do—toward the newly functioning Flea Party Express in an area of Capitol Hill referred to as Ward 6.

Enter the Professor—Chuck E. Boobenstein—he's finally gotten his platform on real reform out at the forefront. Thank God—all this riff raff or ruff ruff about research and tenure—it's just not happenin' any time soon. For those caught up ideological struggles, especially when the whole universe is moving in another direction like when the squirrels scurry on a chilly Fall day, get a grip on yourself.

Anyway, the Flea Party Express tolerates common sense just as Chuck does. If you have fleas, get rid of them!!! Just ask your constituents to set off a bomb. You can order prescription drugs from your local pharmacy, whatever it takes. If it itches—and it don't feel good—why suffer?

Ok, let's be fair for all the process-orientated folks who might need more time—moderates if you will. Consider that you "fought the good fight," so to speak, without any comfort from a tanning bed. You know who we mean, the more organic types or—slash—holistic folks who should probably use garlic to ward off the fleas. For example, if you have fleas—but smell awful—at least folks will walk away from you if you're not making sense and sort of itching in a tacky way in front of other reasonable folks. We know that the fleas will eventually disperse as they should.

Pa' lease, if your "game" keeps producing little itchy bumps all over the place, don't continue. It's that simple.

As we move forward, Chuck emphasizes about this new Flea Party agenda that real reform will have to include ways that we can discuss fleas without judgment.

Key Point—If you have fleas, follow the trail of data—know how they got there, and what you can do to address them. Find an approach that works. But never, ever, throw your hands up in the air or another Quran at the White House and then make silly rhymes about how the fleas might go away with empty rhetoric and no proof as if in an "evidence-free" zone.

Let's make no bones about this—data, data—bark, bark—data (see photo left - pun intended). Duh!

When the Going Gets Rough, the Tough Go Golfing!

Boobenstein and Obama Hit the Greens

On a moments notice amidst crisis and turmoil, these two can always find their way to the golf course—that is—the POTUS and The Professor Chuck E Boobenstein. Look at those haughty smiles and ensuing chin wags for sure (see photo right). Biden, who's a typical partner of the President and a great friend of Chuck's, has decided to caddy this round and is not too far behind them—ready for and to say anything as usual. See Chuck's bromance with Biden here.

The Professor heard the President's speech on Saturday about Syria and knew he'd be getting a call on his special home phone promptly (see photo below).

Anyway, Chuck lives in an area referred to as Ward 6 and coincidently "on the way" to the golf course at Fort Belvoir.  Barack and Chuck both have been known to bat around small things in a very precise manner while keeping chatter to a minimum.

Speaking of chatter, seems like we're not short of that anywhere on the political front—in fact we're so chatty we can't get anything done. Does that mean we're going to chat the Syrian crisis into an impasse like everything else for the last few years? Now who's to blame here?


Here it comes, Obama will cause drama if he uses force without support and drama if he does with support. In fact, he'll cause drama if nothing happens.

Maybe a good round of golf was the best thing for this situation. He sure got a bashing from the "opposition" - I mean - John McCain and Lindsey Graham. Republican pundits on CNN also thought a round of golf was kind of stupid. Why are we being partisan about this? Holy Slugs, Batman. Isn't Congress on vacation anyway? I wonder how many of them went golfing without notice. If any one of them are trying to unwind after another busy, do nothing session, then shame on them too.

The Professor and Obama did have a nice time even though under the veil of formidable challenge. All were relieved that Biden kinda stayed in the background digging out of sand traps here and there. Seems like the Professor could not swing very well that day. He wanted to be of complete support of his President but ended up being a bit nervous with this kind of "no-meat-on-the-bones" Congress.

In theory, it's a good idea to get the support of our democratic constituents. However, this might just be situational. They're on holiday so to speak. Probably time for the 19th hole.

Rachel Jeantel Teams Up with The Professor Chuck E Boobenstein on Race

Rachel and Chuck Keepin' It Real

Ideas about race, stand your ground, self-defense, understanding one and other, communicating across-and-intra-cultural lines, and gun control have been on The Professor Chuck E Boobenstein's mind recently—in an area of Capitol Hill referred to as Ward 6.


With Chuck's Treatise on Barcheology on hold again to consider the nuances around racial differences and identity, the star prosecution witness (see photo) in the Trayvon Martin murder trial has caught his attention.

Teaming up with Rachel Jeantel—after her interview on CNN's Piers Morgan—became inevitable for Chuck. Remember when the Professor schooled Piers a couple years back? (see post here.) Who knew that Rachel would do the same? Chuck knew and makes it clear how they are on the same team. Basically, they both should be honored for being able to articulate what's real instead of getting tied up in communication leashes that have been designed by others—like Don West from the trial.

So, here we go, the evidence. In a subsequent interview after the not-guilty verdict, Morgan tries to support Jeantel while bashing Juror B37 who refers to "those" people and who also gets slammed for it in the social media stratosphere. Then, hold your bonnets, Piers slips up moments later and says to Rachel, "in your world" instead. What's the difference? (those people in their world). He's got the problem too!

In fact, later in the discussion, she—in her grand teenager transparency—quickly reprimands the almighty liberal Piers with,
"No, nigga means any man! You don't have to be a black man [in my world] . . .you can be my Chino nigga!" [slight editorial embellishment].

She then clarifies for the Queen's English himself that the use of language does not have to be in what he referred to as "in your world" but so appropriately emphasizes that language can be valid for any age, any race. Ok, except if you're white, just don't use the "N word"—and don't "us and them" any group. You idiot Piers! Well, at least your heart was in the right place, just like the Juror B37 said Zimmerman's heart was after he shot Trayvon's heart at gun's length. We don't mean to be so harsh on the well-meaning Piers—yet it's the nuances—that's what can creep up on us (more on that later).

Anyway, back to the Professor and Rachel. Analogous to Chuck, Rachel speaks three languages, has a lot of courage, is very up front about why her speech might be "different" because of a physical under bite that she's now in the process of getting addressed medically. Chuck has his issues too but not worth detailing in this "context," to quote our POTUS, Barack Obama who also spoke on this topic in a White House press room briefing here:



All this commentary and pundit-o-mania might end up in minutia paralysis. For example, the discussions about walking too slow, walking too fast, or the swagger walk—how's a man supposed to walk these days—should we say, "swagga" or "swagger?" all depend on context.

Ok, so now where does the "creepy-ass" cracka of Professor Chuck E Boobenstein come into play [notice the "a" instead of the "er"?] You guessed it, "It's Big Time! (remember Cheney)"  In fact, you can see that thing of Chuck's at all angles particularly when he's happy—tail up and haughty. For God's sake, he even graces us with this while chasing people, dogs, flies, pizza crusts, and squirrels of course. What the hell's so racial about this? 

Here's a quick joke from Chuck E Cheese [one of the Professor's friends on Facebook] to get us back on topic. Seriously, What kind of potatoes do you order online?    #browns—that is—"hash browns!"

Duh, the speed of online communication is so fast that reflection of what we're saying and how were relating to people get's knee-jerked, Twittered, Facebooked, LinkedIn, Instagrammed, Tumbled, YouTubed, Google+ ed, and "hashed." And here's the big question—dunt, dunt, dah—why are all the facilitators of media bonanza discussions mostly white? In fact, I don't think you can get any whiter than CNN's Anderson Cooper (see photo).
Whoops!

Ok, maybe we haven't been watching all the news, paying attention to "our world" and finding out what's really going on. Let's strike up friendships with people of all races—not strained but genuine—and tolerate a dog in the neighborhood (and their owners). No one is right in this situation or being right is only relative to "our context." We're probably moving in better directions now with race so let's not polarize the discussions.

Rachel and Chuck look pretty good together, don't they?

The Professor Chuck E Boobenstein in Bromance with VP Joe Biden!

VP Joe Biden Enamored by The Professor in an Intense Bromance

The Professor Chuck E Boobenstein—from an area of Capitol Hill referred to as Ward 6—has been officially bromancing, that is, "bro, romancing" Joe Biden. It's not a sexual thing but definitely intimate. You know, in a guy friends kind of way. Dr. Jill Biden encourages this softer side of her hubby and was pleased to know that Chuck is an Assistant Professor at The University instead of some beer-drinking, jockstrap-slinging, Camaro-driving white boy.

What sparks the mutual feelings of respect cannot be denied. It's the Biden Bravado. Some say it sounds very similar to Chuck's Pontifications when other dogs get out of line or when danger lurks—very I wish Cat oh lick.

Now for an example, when Joe, the VP-after-a-six-pack discussed gun control, he told folks to get a two-barrel shotgun, step out on the porch, and fire two rounds in the air when danger is eminent. Most people would have to build the porch first. The point, however, was no need for an assault rifle. Who knows what kind of beer he was drinking? The subtle message sometimes gets lost in the tone and timber-ish sound of Biden's voice. Or, what about that duck-tail hairdo (circled in photo)?

Anyway, The Professor does a similar kind of bravado when the UPS guy comes and tries to hide packages in the trash or recycling bin. Similar. Oh-yay-awe! Sometimes biting the heels of anyone in the way.

They've been secretly meeting behind the scenes. Although the Professor looks smitten (see photo), he's just doing that competitive mano a mano bored look at one of Biden's bragging moments. This might have been after the Democratic National Convention. It's not been confirmed but this sort of after-the-event-camaraderie happens regularly.

Biden has been to the Professor's events every now and then to share in the types of victories that he has as well, such as convincing his constituents to donate more—funding such projects like the ban on "no pooping" zones—something both Biden and the Professor definitely have in common. We all should feel comfortable and feel free to poop anywhere we want. Don't you think?

They do have the same types of gaffes on numerous occasions like falling asleep during the 2013 Inaugural Address and Chuck slipping off the couch while napping. It happens.

Cheers to Biden and Boobenstein!

The Professor to Officiate Drinking Games for State of the Union

Professor Chuck E Boobenstein Slated to Officiate Drinking Games on Tuesday

The Professor Chuck E Boobenstein—from an area of Capitol Hill referred to as Ward 6—has been doing a lil' research for a suitable drinking game for the State of the Union address by President Barack Obama this evening.

In true social media fashion—Linkedin, Hookedin, HoodWigged, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, CrabFeet, and GagSquirrels—Chuck plans to be live on the Hill (see photo) with a web cam that can be streamed into any one's living room and be the "official" Officiator through whatever social media is your preferred "at-home" favorite. Don't mix this up with "work" social media.

Anyway, The Professor will be able to quickly quell any disputes about what happens according to the rules of the game. The seriousness of this role might be as debatable as everything else seems to be during this political season. We're realists, not bitter, and just a little hopeful.

Now to the game, Chuck has chosen the following set of rules from his dear friend Will Durst at the Huff Post. You won't be disappointed.

WHAT YOU NEED TO PLAY:
Four taxpayers of any sex: one rich white banker-type wearing a suit. Cuff links would be nice. One person in a blue work shirt, another in a white shirt and one wearing rags that in a former life might have been an integral part of a frantic escape through the sewers of Paris. At high tide. The four group around a coffee table directly in front of a television with newspapers laid on table and floor.
One shot glass per person. Everybody brings own and places on table. Suit gets first pick for use during game. White Shirt picks next, then Blue Shirt. Suit pockets last glass as well, and Rags either rents it, borrows a replacement from kitchen or drinks out of own cupped hands.
20 buck ante for White & Blue Shirt. Suit throws in a quarter while Rags can write an IOU.
Fondue pot on table with two packages of Li'l Smokies stewing in Hawaiian barbecue sauce, surrounded by 100 cocktail toothpicks. The kind with the little American flags wrapped around the top.
A large stash of canned beer. Rags gets the cheapest stuff that can be found, like Old Milwaukee Ice Dry Light; Suit gets to drink whatever import he requests; Shirts get to pick favorite domestic, but are required to pay for beer, Li'l Smokies and accouterments.

 

RULES OF THE GAME

1. Whenever Barack H. Obama mentions bipartisanship or working across the aisle, everybody drinks a shot of beer.
2. Everybody drinks two shots of beer if Speaker Boehner starts to cry. An entire can if he breaks down sobbing or disappears from view.
3. If Barack H. Obama ever says "Democratic leadership," everybody must drink a whole beer then throw empty can at television. Anybody who hits Harry Reid is exempt from drinking three more shots of beer.
4. If he tells a folksy tale with a deeper meaning about not leaving before the job is done, the last person to throw their arms in the air, fall to their knees and shout "Hallelujah!" has to drink an entire beer.
5. Whenever president mentions liberty or freedom of the proud Afghani people, stand up, salute with your right hand and drink shot of beer with left. If he talks about the liberty or freedom of the American people, stand up, salute with left hand and drink shot of beer with right. First person to mess up has to drink two more shots.
6. If president says the State of the Union is good, but could be better, first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking one shot of beer and gets to pummel Suit with empty shot glass. No head shots.
7. If Obama mentions the word "drone" everybody immediately makes continuous droning noises. First person to run out of breath has to drink two shots of beer.
8. Every time Barack Obama mentions immigration, last person to eat two Li'l Smokies has to drink two shots of beer. Use toothpicks.
9. If Vice President Joe Biden is caught nodding off, last person to start singing "Wake Up, Little Susie" has to drink three shots of beer.
10. Whenever the president talks about his resolve and adopts a frowny look with his brow all furrowed and stuff, everybody throws Li'l Smokies at the television. The first person to hit Nancy Pelosi in the head is exempt from having to drink two shots of beer. Toothpick use optional.
11. If Barack tells heartfelt story of banker with heart of gold, Suit gets to kick everyone else once. Twice if subject is in the audience. If sitting next to a general, the number of times equal to the amount of stars.

EXTRAS
Anybody who can identify person giving Republican response doesn't have to watch it. Suit takes home cash discarding the IOU.
Whoever comes closest to guessing number of standing Os takes home leftover beer after Rags finishes cleaning up.

For the original post of game on the Huff Post, click here.