Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Chuck's Thanksgiving Plans

Best Foot First's Blog Dog

Happy Thanksgiving from Chuck!

Professor Chuck E Boobenstein, from an area of Capitol Hill referred to as Ward 6, plans to put his paws down for the day to enjoy a giving-of-thanks for health, happiness, friendships, family, squirrels, great smells, and a good nap.

With no expectation for who's going be thankful or thankless, the Professor Chuck E plans to restrain his typical judgement of where people are on certain topics and not be such a heel chaser. Instead he'll let everyone "do their thing." Actually, what else would they do? (probably do something they wished they hadn't). Chuck's been doin' his thing for years and has no observable regret.

Anyway, for this day of free flowing conversation and food frenzy, he's planning not to mention how the treatise has been going, as he sorts out where it has been going for himself. Chuck's short break from this important step for tenure as a Full Professor at University (British version) has been delayed many times. Most of his constituents and sponsors keep crossing their fingers that he'll not slip back into the "research" stage of his never-before-talked-about findings. Sometimes under pressure, the comfort of doing what's known can be much easier than continuing to dig up new ground.

To prepare for the day, Chuck has decided to put together a list of the things that might be neutral to banter about. For example, the Royal Wedding Engagement—who's not excited about that—or the whole Palin invasion—who is excited about that? He'll recommend switches to the more mundane as needed, like the pros and cons of stuffing cooked inside the turkey vs out. Does it really matter? How about a nice "pat down" before air travel—jeez, some folks pay huge sums of money for such things, lose their jobs, and then end up as prime-time news anchors with a Parker. Not sure if that's name dropping or drooling, but what happened there? (Elliot Spitzer on CNN?)

Before anyone gets too out of control with indulgence, Chuck will make sure everyone has their up-to-date health insurance cards on hand. No one wants to end up in an ER without insurance or do we have that now? Kinda hard to figure out. Hmn, after all the complaints about spending the last holiday season sorting this out instead of finding jobs, sounds like we're going to spend a great deal of time unsorting this out instead of finding jobs. Oh well, maybe not a good idea to discuss this one as a whole group.

As Chuck looks forward to the day, he'll be fine no matter what happens—most likely eating more than he wanted to as usual and in some cases food'll just end up falling right on him or near him (in mid air) as he dodges around the kitchen mess. This year with only minimal effort, he'll find out more than he knew before about the others around him, and end up being thankful for more than he ever could imagine.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Boobenstein Shoulders Larry King and Guests

Best Foot First's Blog Dog

Boobenstein Shoulders Larry King and Guests

Professor Chuck E. Boobenstein, shouldered with Larry King and guests (see photo), finds a calming way to hover as a [talking] head with the Republican political smears and the oil-spill bravado of James Carville, CNN's chief liberal who supports both neutered (inside the beltway) and unneutered (Southern) Democrats. Along side him, Jane Lynch (Emmy Winner - 2010) provides a humble beginnings perspective from the new TV series Glee. Don't let the red pant suit or athletic gear fool you.

Chuck, survives the ordeal dodging shoulder jabs from a set of tight suspension wraps around Larry (see photo), which oddly inspire him to finish the treatise on Barcheology that he's been putting off immediately after the show (and take care of other business as needed). The shoulder pointing alone unleashes his reluctance.

Anyway, my goodness—off the [dog] path as usual, Boobenstein, from an area of Capitol Hill referred to as Ward 6, wants a topic—something to sink his teeth into. But what's the topic? Apparently today's topic calls for James Carville and Jane Lynch having a "commonality" that unravels during the show and segues neatly into 360 with Anderson Cooper, who also might have that same commonality.

As the show gets underway, and not to be in—or for God's sakes out—on today's topic, "Jimmy-James" Carville spins in the oil spill as follows:

"We needed ta hit 'em wit uh - I tell ya - some kinda football bat - ta git dem down hur - dees shrimps wur dyin' - buncha bungled beaurocrats - chewin fat cows up dar wit Obama, ca' ain't git dis url (oil) mess, uh, cleaned up - gott dang - Mur's grits ur startin' to taste like uh, uh, uh, like uh, wa-ell uh, uh, wull sum kinda dried-up possum meat . . ."

Now steam at full blast—diverting attention from his rose-bud tie—his eye glasses fog up cocked to one side, spawning a grimace that almost side-swipes Chuck off his chair (see photo). Larry quickly calls for a segment of commercials.

After the break, questions continue firing off with decent returns from Carville and Lynch, as Larry makes attempts not to cut off the enthusiasm. For example, referring to Lynch's lifestyle, "Well, I mean, for a lack of a better term—alternative." He really does think we're dumb——Holy 1972!——"for a lack of a better term" works better in colonoscopy speak, don't ya think?

Later in the show, Lynch ends up squeezing in comments like "water boarding" or "skinning cats" might be more comfortable than a moment like this. She drops the "wife bomb" on Larry to quell the "alternative" mood that Larry wants to project and everyone takes a deep breath. She calmly describes a wonderful relationship with her wife, Dr. Lara Embry (Clinical Psychologist, Smith, Columbia, University of Washington). Meanwhile, backstage Anderson Cooper paces in sheer terror, then changes back and forth between his tie ensemble and some sweaters in his collection, which Kathy Griffin (double Emmy) says could have plugged BP's Gulf oil spill quite nicely. He gets his hair cut at least one more time before his show starts.

CNN News doesn't rotate into the next day's reel without Larry's contribution to some kind of news, "brew ha ha." He ain't no "Late-Night Letterman" for crying out loud but holds his own in this special—possibly "alternative"—affairs department. Go Larry!

By staying extra focused, Chuck the Professor, rather politely, just sits there with a slight drool rolling off his lower jaw while paying close attention to Larry with one eye. He does not want Larry to know that "he's just not into" the topic or even appear as if he's begging for something that might come out of King's mouth. What the heck does Larry munch on behind the desk? Does he do that with peanuts or something that Chuck thinks will be delicious—hopefully not his teeth and surely not Percocets? The drool wells up into an oozing dollop that dangles unnoticed for the rest of the show.

The purple-pressed shirt and tight suspenders—a bit metro-sexual edgy—provide a forefront for nothing less than a typical show, broadcast live, and besides, when the topic seems vague, everyone can watch the recording three or four more times before dawn if necessary—CNN style, with, of course, Cooper's 360 chaser. Although tonight's no exception—as the topic never does come out directly (re-read post if necessary)—at least Chuck gets motivated to continue working on his barking treatise with a little less nonsense, particularly with a Larry King Live experience like this!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Boobenstein Goes to Ground Zero

Best Foot First's Blog Dog

Boobenstein Goes to Ground Zero

Professor Chuck E. Boobenstein, who has been curious, and embarrassed by what that might mean, goes to "Ground Zero" in Lower Manhattan. Not quite tenured as a full Professor from an area of Capitol Hill referred to as Ward 6, Chuck—even in his apparent awkward state—wanted to know more. Putting his pride aside, he just went with hope and unknowing.

The scene—suspected as a hot bed of stimulation for dogma-scanning abilities—indeed, seemed calmer than he would have ever imagined. In fact, his stock pile of "chew-ease" that would typically keep him from losing his voice from all the barking, fell to the wayside. Why would such a scene humble him? Normal, Urban, Thriving, Multi-Rodent, and Consumer-Driven.

The feeling, not right, just tied up a knot inside Chuck, as he looked around for some help (see photo). What happened here? Now what's happening here? He wanted to "go home" but decided to keep his internal instincts alive—unlike the way he typically loses a game of tug-o-war with housemates and some of his doggish rivals and left-right rope swingers, who always seem to get caught up in a meat-eating, oops, media-eating cluster-folly.

The look on his face still frozen, he decided that this place, the pavement, the memories, and the look on other faces must be honored. But how? Surely not the typical treatment with the kicking up and all, he pondered what this was doing to all those around him. Who's on what side? Should he beg from a stranger or just go back home?

There were a few master-wannabe's holding signs and chanting about some amendment rights, congregation stuff within blocks (big-city blocks, you know, the kind that jack up cab fares) of where he stood. Chuck E, as an astute Professor of Barcheology and devout Dogmustlick Deacon for his congregation, just might have the capability to understand the issues, or sort of—although not familiar with praying without a congregation, in private (does that matter?), or praying at all. Chuck finds no clear answer to this doglemma. Fa' Ma-ham-ed's sake, or jeez, who can Fa' guess whom or what—is anybody gonna get this block-headed, geo-ritzy show of "I've got more toys (or treats)!" figured out?

If the Professor chooses a side, then he shuts down the other. What if the other side has better treats?

Dang! Not so simple but surely an opportunity to claim a steak or prey on something.

Unfortunately the Professor's trip ended abruptly—he had forgotten to do some of his chores at home as well as submit his first manuscript for a treatise he had been working on—due the next day—and, critical for his future success as a full, tenuous Professor.

As "Chuck Eeeee" was being called back, in that high-pitch, sort of baby voice, he at least decided that he wasn't going to take sides. He just simply did not know enough—and, the day-to-day duties that he honored too, seemed to be just as important.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Boobenstein Gets Pantsy with Hillary Clinton

Best Foot First's Blog Dog

Boobenstein Gets Pantsy with Hillary Clinton

Professor Chuck E. Boobenstein, a savvy "pants down" politico—in an area of Capitol Hill referred to as Ward 6—has taken on Hillary Clinton, who has been Obama's Secretary of State, and who, by the way, has been getting very pantsy on foreign policy. She's gone well below the belt on immigration and causes yet another disruption in Chuck's treatise on Barcheology—the only quite promising element of his tenure portfolio until now.

The Professor Boobenstein has had to form a new consortium with an upstart named Comet B Dogmatic (see photo in armchair). The mission is to take pantsy politics to task, with Hillary being their first target. "The Comet," as Chuck likes to call his consortium fellow, remains silent on most issues but stays constant in the background as an idea "think tank" with a long history of never being fond of pants—or panting in general—especially during the summer months.

What spurred the disdain towards Hillary's pantsy politics was a recent trip she made to Ecuador, supposedly to make peace with their President, but instead, "The Hillary" got tied up in showing pants about the Arizona immigration law—revealing a Feds lawsuit that was supposed to be announced by the Attorney-"where's-his-pants"-General. What a fine way to mix politics, profiling, and "pants-panting," while the rest of the world seems to be more focused on how to address other agendas, such as an oil spill and the longest engagement ever in foreign countries against "terrier-isms." What a "bleepin'" mess—the pants don't cut the must turds—on or off (and for those brainstorming a quick fix now, "clam diggers" or "cool lots" don't work either, no matter who's wearing them).

Both Chuck and The Comet have advocated a "no panting" zone as shown in the photo and will continue until other more important details on foreign policy are dressed up properly. Quite frankly, pants—particularly red ones—have no place in this kind of political landscape or even couched in armchair politics.

Best Foot First's Blog Dog is for entertainment purposes only. In fact, that any pantsy meetings have ever taken place between the two parties cannot be confirmed by—and would likely be denied by—Hillary Clinton and her staff.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Pelosi Fingerpoints Boobenstein

Best Foot First's Blog Dog

Boobenstein Gets a Fingerpointin' from Nancy Pelosi!!!

Professor Chuck E. Boobenstein, a well-known critic of the more obvious—in an area of Capitol Hill referred to as Ward 6—has been been getting a brutal fingerpointin' from the House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi.

Nancy, in an over-zealous attack on loud, rabble-rousers like Professor Chuck E Boobenstein, compared her left-facing hair swoop to the right-swooping "happy tail" of the please-you-not-me dogma directed toward the likes of Boobenstein. She used a fingerpointin' strategy (see photo) that most believe was rehearsed way in advanced to steer clear of the usual "hand patting" that she's known for on the house floor. My goodness, Chuck had to have his trusted colleague—and Interim Warden at the compound on Capitol Hill—Officer Samantha E. Dixiewinkle sit in for this fingerpointin' as a witness. Dixiewinkle, who typically falls just to the right of Chuck on most things (see photo)—was not impressed at all, and by the way, has no swoop.

Sammy, as many of Chuck's friends call her, has been Chuck's informer of what should take place when constituents are not happy. For example, she always gingerly provides a reality perspective of the kinda crap that doesn't fall far from the tree (or door). When she's mad, she communicates without tainted rhetoric or a media bonanza—just plain drops of wisdom.

The confusion and resultant fingerpointin' clearly centers around whether to vote for real or just vote. Not even sure of what's being voted for—and when and whether the vote counts or whether the vote counts only if the democats vote or something like that—Boobenstein wants to vote but doesn't want anyone to find out if he voted or if he did not vote up or down or in a circular motion. Whatever he votes for he wants it to count somehow and big time.

Nancy's fingerpointin' at Boobenstein does, however, respect an intricate process that, in the end, no one will give a "bleep" about after the vote is over—much like the process of a good business deal of any "dogpublican" who might be in a more straight-forward camp such as Boobenstein. In fact, Boobenstein, like many others, has been use to the exploitation of any ground that requires his input. When he leaves a much-sought-after-ground-breaking-area—like the health care of the less fortunate—he wants no one to notice the awkward position he was in when he left his message or even supported the cause. Covering these things comes natural with the right motions. But for some reason now, good business sense seems to get entrenched in grass-roots causes like "tea chanting" or needless filibustering. A coffee clutch doesn't even work fa' crissakes!!!

The fingerpointin' went on between Pelosi and Boobenstein for only a few moments and eventually the door opened for something that all could smell, buy into, and agree on—like a fresh, thin-crust pizza with gourmet toppings that shares conveniently among many. You don't always get what you thought you paid for but a pizza like this one sure tastes good to most folks!!!

Best Foot First's Blog Dog is for entertainment purposes only. In fact, that any meeting has ever taken place between the two parties cannot be confirmed by—and would likely be denied by—Pelosi and her staff.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Boobenstein and Tiger

Best Foot First's Blog Dog

Boobenstein and Tiger Contemplate A Good Swing

Professor Chuck E. Boobenstein, a well-known fan of Tiger Woods from an area of Capitol Hill referred to as Ward 6 (see photo), has discerned that a perfect swing often comes laden with "complications."

Tiger, a.k.a. Eldrick Tont Woods (whom the Professor has been affectionately calling
"Chippy") has gotten tangled up in a swingin' frenzy that has cost him more than just a sand-trap dig in the normal business of the day. Chuck, on the other hand, sees the sand trap as an opportunity to just dig up with pride the comings and dumpings of the day.

The problem with Tiger's swing was not "what it was" but more of a
"swingin'-SHA-WOOSH" against endorsements from Nike and others, such as Accenture, who now claim that a swing like Tiger's could be worse than selling recycled software to the government. Who's to blame here, really?

Apparently the Dalai Lama had trouble sorting out whether a man named "Tiger," who was going to swing (or "not swing"), might be worthy of an apology. As Chuck claims, "When you swing, swing proudly until you can't swing any more." In fact, several times, on what is the equivalent of a pristine golf course, the Professor has been known to swing so much that some of the divots actually replace themselves! The apologies never come gushing out in controlled settings but rather prideful sighs that the tufts have kept coming.

Unfortunately, the only casualty of a perfect swing is just that. The perfect swing begets more perfect swings until the swingin' gets so swingy that even others start swinging just about anything—like a club, of all things—into the back of an SUV. Why apologize if the swingin' is good?

The Professor has had very little patience for the complications involved with a perfect swing but can only sympathize with Tiger. How can one's perfect swing end up causing such a frenzy?

Best Foot First's Blog Dog is for entertainment purposes only. In fact, that any meeting has ever taken place between the two parties cannot be confirmed by—and would likely be denied by—Tiger and his staff. Mention of Nike and Accenture have been included for humor only , and in no way intend to offend or in any way diminish the legitimate efforts of these two entities.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Boobenstein Encore!!!

Barcheology named new science today on Capitol Hill, [Original Print, December 7, 2007]

Renowned Professor, Chuck E. Boobenstein, announced his discovery of the new science after doing extensive barking expeditions in and around a section of Capitol Hill referred to as Ward 6. Most of Prof. Boobenstein's research stems from a sincere interest in uncovering how humans interact with noise at varying pitches and volume levels.

In a recent interview, he described how he approaches his subjects from a more qualitative, as opposed to quantitative approach. He then went on to provide a cutting edge correlation of how subjects react to the never-before-documented stimuli. Several key witnesses on the Hill have simply stated—in one form or another—that what Boobenstein has unraveled is truly beyond the "tipping point." Others, who have not been quite as zealous about his research, have vowed that what he has uncovered is not considered real research. Several barkus-envy conservatives have been petitioning to have his new science and tenure pulled from the University.

Either way, it is quite a charm to see him in the midst of his action research, only breaking here and there for other subtle movements, which are slated to be a part of his next research project.